Bingo Was His Name/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW Here's a little tip for those who live where there's lots of snow. And with l nino, that's pretty much everybody. Now, to protect the eavestroughs from getting the ice in on there. You can get these expensive kind of special coils, or heating coils, really. They go right onto the roof like that. But I say why bother when you already got christmas lights up there, huh? After new year's, get up there, take all your christmas lights out and replace them with pennies. When these things heat up, it'll melt all the ice anyhow, huh? It saves you dollars and makes cents. You know, you might want to check the fine print on your fire insurance policy before you try this. It's he red green show! [ cheering ] and now, here he is, the man who's got so much on the go, that it got up and went. Your host and hero, but my uncle, red green! [ cheering ] thank you very much, appreciate it. Big, big week up at the lodge this week. Possum lodge is about to be declared an official religion. A r-r-r-religion? Oh, pray tell. Oh, come on, harold. Hey, it makes sense, doesn't it? We have weekly meetings, we have members, and we have certain unique beliefs that separate us from the rest of society. And society thanks you for that, but why...Why do you have to be a religion? Because that makes us a registered non-profit organization. See, religions can do things that other clubs can't. What? Perform weddings? Bingo! Oh, no! No, who would want to get married here? What, you can't walk up the aisle without tripping over dead bears and oily car parts. What? No, don't. Not weddings, harold, bingo, you know, bingo. You're going to play bingo? Bingo. We're going to make a fortune here, harold. You'll charge people to come here to play bingo. Bingo. And he thought I was stupid. Bingo. It's time to play the possum lodge word game, and today's grand prize allows you to call the sexiest movie star you've ever seen. And that grand prize: A shiny new quarter. And playing for this quarter with my uncle red is mr. Kevin black, city slicker turned possum laker. Welcome. [ cheering ] ok, mr. Black, you have 30 seconds to get my uncle red to say this word... All right, harold. Oh, ok...And go. Ok, mr. Green. Uh, let's say you buy a piece of real estate. Overpay. No, you're going to sell it for more than you paid for it. Now, what is that called? A miracle? No, all right, let's say you buy something, and then you sell it for a profit before you even have to pay for it, what's that? The '80s. You're almost out of time, mr. Black. All right, all right, uh, uh. Mr. Green, let's say I buy something, then I immediately sell it for a profit, what have I done? Undermined the basic fabric of society. [ laughing ] you're...You're quite hopeless, but I think you know that. And I believe that quarter should be mine. I'll flip you for it. [ ringing ] very good. Under the "b"...Cash. Under the "I"...I'm rich. Under the "n"... N you thought I was stupid. Under the "g"... Gee, look at all the money. And under the "o"...Oh, yeah. You made all that money from bingo? Yeah, harold, we only had two bingos called, so we get to keep the pot. Old man sedgwick jumped up and yelled, "ognib!", but his card was upside down. How are you doing on the registration form, harold? Oh, pretty good, oh, pretty good. The government asked a few more questions about your new religion for their files. All right. Uh, they want to know if you have a name for your new religion -- I suggested, "god help us". I don't think so. How about the sacred church of the possum? Sacred church of the possum. Do you have a patron saint? Saint bernard. And how do you feel about life after death? Oh, I don't know, harold. I'll tell you what. I believe in life before death. So, you just-- I don't care. You fill out any way you want. You can make yourself a sacrificial virgin. [ chuckling ] no, no, no, I'm going to be a deacon. Yeah, yeah, 'cause I-- you know, like a saintly presence. Like an angel that shines a light for all to see. A beacon of hope for the meek and the downtrodden. That's good. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to call myself deacon beacon. Ok? Hey, you can answer the phone... "don't be freakin', this is geekin' deacon beacon speakin'." bingo. There's a dampness in the meadow when the old red rooster calls there's a lot of condensation where the roof used to join the walls there's a wetness in my mattress and puddles on the dresser the lesson here is don't make beer if your tank can't hold the pressure oh, yeah. You know, in his lifetime, my dad had a lot of pretty distinctive cars: The old desoto there with the big fins on her, ha, ha. Oh, gosh, yeah, the big heavy studebaker, remember them? Pointed at both ends, just like dad, ha, ha. Oh, man, I loved the corvair. It had the fancy trim on the side. Another dent on the roof every time you flipped her, yeah. These things, the gas mileage was brutal on them, there. And the body would rust out every three years on her, and any collision over 10 miles an hour, of course, was fatal. But you just didn't care, ha. Of course, nowadays, the way they're making the cars, they all look the same. This is 'cause they got computers design them, so they're aerodynamic and fuel efficient and all that stuff. But, hey, after you do a little bit of shopping or maybe pack for a trip or something, that theory goes out the window. Of course, the fundamental problem with this is the message that all cars should be the same. How long is it going to be before they start saying that all people should be the same, eh? Then a lot of us are in trouble, especially me. To me, people are distinctive individuals and their vehicles should reflect that. So this week, on andyman corner, I'm going to show you how you can customize your car, so that it'll stand out on the road, in the parking lot, and in the police compound -- let's start with the front end. See, I kind of got a piece of garden hose-- this has been sitting on here, out in the sun, for about three days. And it has actually taken on the shape of the front end of the car. So, now this becomes our pattern, eh, our jig, so we can cut something out, make a little piece of trim that will go right on and fit perfectly onto the front end of the car. What are we going to use? Don't get ahead of me now. All right, I got my pattern all traced out on the canoe now. All I have to do is cut her off. And for that, I'm going to use one of these fancy little coping saws. It's just ideal for cutting curvy lines. All right, the saw seems to be coping a little better than I am. [ chain saw starting ] ah, she's really starting to take shape, isn't she? And how about this little nifty feature, huh? Hideaway headlights. Actually, these are just pails, yeah. You cut them out and leave the bottom in there. See, so under normal conditions, the headlight is hidden. But as you get going, the wind grabs here and just lifts this baby right up and exposes the headlight, see? So the faster you go, the better you can see, huh? So if you're driving at night and the visibility is not too good, just speed up. By the way, these hinges are 100% duct tape, and it's called the himmelman hinge. Himmelman was actually a lodge member. He was actually by the lodge the other day, but his artificial knees have not worked out so well... In the hot weather, they stick to the inside of his pant legs. Anyway, speaking of himmelman, let's do something for the back end. All right now, this is actually just an ironing board, but I'm using it as a spoiler, huh? Heh, heh, heh, I feel spoiled. Well, something's spoiled, that's for sure. And you see these fins? Canoe paddles, ha, ha, ha. That's all this is. How about this? See my rollbar here? You know what this is? It's a kid's swing, huh? It's amazing what a person can do. You know something that bugs me too about the new cars? They come with no chrome on them, huh? Fully loaded, no chrome, none. I don't go for that. So I'm going to add some chrome to this baby. And you can get a tape like it's kind of a mylar. I'm not exactly sure what it's called, but it's like duct tape, only silverier. Just lay it down... Well, there's nothing like chrome to create an image, eh? I bet this is burning a pretty good image into that tv camera. But that's just how easy it is to let people know that you're different. You're not one of them. It'll make you feel good, and it'll make them feel even better. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome... [ engine sputtering and finally starting ] they should at least find you handy. I want to talk to you guys who are going to face a problem when you get older. I'm not talking about extra ear and nose hair. I'm talking about the inability to remember special occasions. The day will come when suddenly you realize that last year you forgot her birthday, your anniversary, valentine's day and christmas. I know, nobody remembers your special occasions, do they, eh? Opening day of bass season. Anybody buy you a bag of worms? You can live with their insensitivity, but they can't handle yours. And right now you're thinking, wasn't it about a year ago you got into trouble for something or other? You know what that means. You got a special occasion coming up, don't you? And you have no idea what it is, do you? Well, neither do I. But here's what you do. Go out now and buy a gift now, all right? Wrap it up, hide it in the garage now. Get a flowery card that just says "I love you" on it, all right? Now, just wait around for the day in question. You'll be able to tell because she'll be ticked off with you. She'll get into the sighing, tapping her foot on the floor, saying stuff like, "you know, I could have married" "any of your friends." what you do then, go get the gift, bring it out, just yell, "surprise!" "surprise," like that. It will make you look like a hero. You might even get to sleep in your own bed. And maybe not right away. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. You are in such trouble, mister. Just stay calm, harold, all right? We're caught on a little technicality on the lodge being an organized religion. Probably need to be a bit more organized, I guess. Yeah, government says you're not even a religion. Says you're not even a pagan ritual. And you got to have a gaming licence to run bingo. Now we all got to go jail and eat bland food and marry our own gender -- oh! No, no, no-- yes, yes! Harold. What? Don't panic, ok? We're not done yet. Ohhh. I had, I had a meeting with the church elders. We sacrificed a couple of beers. And, uh, we came up with a plan, what we call our holy doctrine. The government boys are coming tonight to look at our bingo game -- we must convince them that it's actually a church service. Oh! How are you going to do that? Well, we got sinners. That's a good start. Yeah, we got those. We figure we'll have some confessions. You know how the guys love to brag. All we need now is just a sermon to top that off, harold. You're not telling your story about the bird and the manure again? Oh, no, no, not me, harold. You're the deacon. You'll be doing the ceremony. Me? No way! No! Uh-uh. No, no. Yes, yes. I've excommunicated myself from this cult. No, you should have thought of that before you took your vows, young man. Don't worry, I can help you. We'll be fine. We won't be able to fake out these government people. Sure we are. They're from the tax department. They've never been to church either. Welcome to the expert portion of the show. This is the part of the program where we examine those three little words that men find hard to say. I don't know. Ha, ha, that's good. And joining my uncle today is ranger gord. [ cheering ] ok, here we go. Letter number one. "dear experts, ranger gord is the best person on your show." "he is down to earth, yet uncommonly brilliant." "all the women in possum lake" "must be crazy for him." aw, gord doesn't need anybody to be crazy for him. I think there's more there, harold. Oh, uh, "there is no one better than ranger gord" "on the show, is there?" no, I don't think so. Uh, I doubt it. Red, what's you're feeling on that? Who wrote that letter, harold? Ok, not really the perfect crime, gord. Maybe you shouldn't have signed it. You know, that's not necessarily my letter, red. Some deranged person may have wrote it and put my name to it. Yeah, that's exactly what I'm saying. [ red ]: Boy, oh, boy, that's a scary-looking thing, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, what you doing, bill? What have you got there? Little, uh-- that's a funny little hammer. Kind of a pickaxe kind of a... Paintbrush. What's that for, bill? What's going on? Oh, boy. You must get up early in the morning to get dressed, I'm thinking. You had, uh... Bill had, uh... Wow. Holy smokes. What do you got? I don't quite understand what's happening here, but I'm going to stand back a little bit. What do you got there? Oh, my gosh, oh, jeez. Look, he passed a stool. Ok. What, what's going on? What is this all about? Oh, I get-- it's like an archeology-- yeah, ok, all right, all right. No, thanks. I'm going to-- I'm relaxing. Oh, boy, oh, boy. There you go. That will be my job. I'll sit in the chair, bill. Go ahead. I know, you got to dig a hole -- you go dig a hole, and you call me when the hole's done. Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Have you dug the hole yet, bill? What are you doing there? Oh, my gosh. Holy cow. Hi, everybody. Look, I dug a hole. Wow, holy smokes. Oh, you've marked all the layers. There's the '90's, yes. What's that? A cassette. They got a cassette tape there. The '80's, yeah, I remember the '80's. Then you have the '70's. What's that? An eight-track. Oh, god, oh, boy, oh, boy. Wow, wow, the '60's. You got a record. You got everything. You got any more stuff there? Funny how it goes in layers, isn't it? What do you got? Or more stuff. Are these really artifacts, do you think? A piece of a bike. Old gas cans are not real-- this is a junk pile. Come on up, come on up, and I'll come down. All right. Boy, oh, boy, this is, this is an odd feeling to be down in a-- oh, that hurt, that hurt. Oh! Come listen to my story-- oh, no. When bill thinks that he's found some bones of some animal or something, it's just an oil can, just an oil can. That's the way my life goes sometimes. There we go. No, bill, I don't think that's, no. It's not a prehistoric animal, it's just... It's, no, no, I don't... I don't think so. No, no, no, no. Watch your step. Oh, boy. Yeah, yeah. Now, we thought that was pretty much the end of the day, but when he landed, he found something kind of unusual. He may be onto something here, maybe onto something. Oh, my gosh, it's a licence plate there. It's a licence plate. "yours to discover." what would that be? My god. What have we got over here? Oh, it's a headlight, and it's-- boy, there's something, something under... All right, I'll be right down. Look out, don't catch me. Don't help me, bill. Look, look, another headlight. Two headlights in a... Well, this is... You know what I think it is? I think it's a car. Yes, it is! Well, I got all the dirt off there, and I got the oil poured into her there. And here's something, 25 years later, the engine still runs, transmission still works. Here's something we learned. The brakes are shot. Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, dear. I'll get it, I'll get it, I'll get it, I'll get it. Careful, careful, there we go. This is a special feature of the show we call you and your animal, hosted by local animal control officer ed frid -- welcome, ed. Red. [ cheering ] I'll tell you, the, uh, the youngsters love these animals. So, what did you bring for us today? A couple creatures. Uh, first, a snake. Wow! Hey, I'm impressed, ed. I thought you were afraid of snakes. Oh, yeah. But I don't let on, eh. Ok, so this is the largest snake we get in north america, ok? This is an indigo snake, and, boy... Have we got a big specimen. Wait till you see the size of this baby. Well, I guess I forgot to bring him. Ed, there's a... Something moving under your shirt, there. Is there any chance the snake got inside your shirt at all? Ohhh! I don't like the way this is going. You know what, you know what? We'll use a little bit of bait. What do they eat? Mice. Little furry warm mice. Ok, I got a piece of cheese. I'll put that down -- now, look, we'll get him to go down out-- just stay still -- can you stand still? Yeah, oh, yeah. I can't believe you didn't notice a snake in your shirt. Well, you know, you get busy. And, uh, you know, I can't be checking my clothes for snakes every five minutes. But I think I might start. I got him, I got him! Oh, god! Br-r-r-r! I guess, uh, I guess that's the end of that segment, is it? No. I also brought a tarantula. Ooh, ooh, ooh! Man, that was religious persecution. There's no question about it. Unbelievable. I can't believe the god-fearing lodge members attacked a man of the cloth. Well, your sermon didn't help, harold. You know, you don't warm up a congregation by calling them the spawn of satan. You didn't help matters either with your phoney commandments. "thou shalt not tip." I...I just thought the bingo thing was a great idea. Under the "r", wrong. All right, harold, I was out of line, but you have to forgive me. For-- why? It's your job. You're the freakin' deacon. [ squealing ] meeting time. You go ahead, your worship. I'll be right down. Ok. If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. And I think I'm in need of a miracle, perhaps a laying on of hands. For the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, you keep your stick on the ice. [ cheering ] captions performed by the national captioning centre